I’m usually very good about not holding grudges. I usually let it roll off my back. Some might take a little longer than others but I usually always forgive and try to forget. You know I really hate when people say that stupid phrase.
forgive and forget.
no actually I won’t forget because 9 times out of 10 what you did was pretty fucked up and I don’t understand how any human being could do what you did! Nevertheless I always forgive.
I know people make mistakes and I sure as hell know I do. But there’s this one individual I just can’t seem to forgive. at all. I’ve been struggling with this for a while now, over half a year and I still have soooo much hatred towards this person. I have NEVER wished ill on someone. Until now.
So what did this person do? What could really make a sweet, hippie, flower child like myself loath someone this bad? Hmm maybe it’s the fact that this individual knocked me up and left. Not to mention before he left he tormented me while I was pregnant. Pushing any and all of my buttons. He was always picking a fight with me. for no absolute reason at all. when he didn’t get what he wanted or if I disagreed with him this little bitch would say I just wanted him for his money….BITCH I make my own goddamn money and I can take care of my own goddamned self. I didn’t need anyone’s bloody money. He never did anything to contribute anyways! I mean we were never boyfriend and girlfriend but I was carrying his child. The only thing the prick did was come to one dr and ultrasound appointment and took me out maybe 3 times..in the end I didn’t want one thing from him. All I wanted was for our son to have a father that would be there.
But he couldn’t even do that.
It broke my heart.
Then it boiled my blood.
And that’s where I’m at today. Still hating him for all the things he said to me. For treating me like I was some trash.
He used me.
Said he wanted to be with me.
Until he got what he wanted.
Once upon a time I was naive to believe that shit.
After this…I’m not.
In no way do I EVER regret my beautiful son
I just regret trusting someone I shouldn’t have.
The last fight we had was over Jude’s name. He wanted some lame ass name I didn’t want and I made it clear Jude should be named after people who were actually there for him, which would be my family. I’ve loved the name Jude since I was in junior high. He came to the conclusion that I was madly in love with him and that’s why I wanted to name my son Jude. Saying that’s what the song was about and how I just needed to admit to him I was in love with him (which I wasn’t), that he could never love me and a baby wouldn’t change that..not only was I offended, I was pissed. I proceeded to tell him I was in fact not in love with him and never was….The last thing he said to me, while I was 5 months pregnant was:
Well if you can’t even admit to yourself you’re in love with me I have nothing left to say to you. As far as I’m concerned, it’s not mine until a paternity test is done. Have fun not being able to support yourself…
I told him about how I tried to get him involved in his sons life before he was here and that I wasn’t going to file for a damn paternity test.
You see the difference between him and me is that I actually have an amazing family who will do whatever it takes to help me and my son. They will NOT let me fall. They have done everything a REAL father should do and I am so unbelievably blessed to have them. I never filed for a paternity test and I never filed for child support. Some people seriously argue with me about this and tell me I should. But guess what. I’m Jude’s mom and mothers know what’s best. I choose not to do this because my son doesn’t need toxic people like his father and his whole family in his life. He needs people who truly love him and will lift him up. He needs strong god fearing men who will show him what it’s like to be a real man as far as I’m concerned, Jude doesn’t have a father. But he has an amazing Papi!
If his father decides one day that it’s cool to be a dad and wants to be involved in Jude’s life, that’s on him. no one should ever have to try as hard as I did or feel the need to force someone to love their kid and be there for them. So I won’t. And if he ever comes around, HE will be the one to pay for the paternity test, and HE will be the one to pay for a lawyer to go to court. And HE will be the one paying for his actions cause I’ll go for not only child support, but back child support. Hurt him where he loves it the most. His wallet.
The sad thing is, I don’t see him ever contacting me. As far as I know he has not seen a picture of Jude nor does he know when he was born. (He knew the due date, but Jude surprised me early) he has not messaged me or called me and he’s got my number. You see he cares too much about his money and his “lifestyle” and I’m okay with that. I’m glad about that..
Most people don’t know my story or who the father is. Which is for the best cause A.) it’s really none of their business and B.) we went to school together so we have many common friends. But all I’ve wanted to do since Jude was born was put him on blast. Send him a picture of out son and call him out. Since he looks a lot like him. But I’m a bigger person. However I will call him out since this isn’t Facebook and pretty much no one reads my blogs. TAYLOR WADE DIBIASE is the biggest, douchiest (is that a word? It is now!) scum of the earth! ahhhh…that felt soo good you don’t even know.
But I still can’t bring myself to forgive.
I obviously will never forget.
But I can’t even forgive.
I pray that one day I can and will.
But that day is not today.